Monday, October 2, 2023

Unable Are The Loved To Die (Class: Wizard)

I'm going to level with you⸻this is just the sage with a few bits cut off or shifted around or sewn on, and I'm not interested in pretending it isn't. I just needed one with a few less abilities and that didn't cast spells. For that reason I am foregoing the typical linked template names, because the middle four would all link to the same page.

Class: Methuselah

The long lives of the patriarchs cause remarkable synchronisms and duplications. Adam lived to see the birth of Lamech, the ninth member of the genealogy; Seth lived to see the translation of Enoch and died shortly before the birth of Noah. Noah outlived Abram's grandfather, Nahor, and died in Abram's sixtieth year. Shem, Noah's son, even outlived Abram. He was still alive when Esau and Jacob were born.

You are a legendary wanderer, in the manner of⸻and though separated by uncounted millennia, directly descended from⸻the biblical patriarchs. You are definitionally, I think, Jewish or maybe Samaritan, though you don't have to be practicing. Unless you're an alien, or a robot. Then I guess you have to be practicing, because it doesn't make very much sense for you to be Jewish otherwise, right?

Skills: Structurography, Prehistoric Theology, and one of 1. Carousing 2. Material Sciences 3. Art

Starting Equipment: Well-worn traveler's clothing, a walking stick, sturdy boots, a suitably impressive piece of headwear, and something very old from the list at the end.

A Senex, Answered Questions, 1 Wizardly Trick
B Well-Known & Well-Travelled, +1 Wizardly Trick
C Insight, +1 Wizardly Trick
D Tribe of G_d, +1 Wizardly Trick

A: Senex
You are already fantastically old, and will live for generations longer if you aren't killed dead. At will, you may choose to be perceived as either a harmless old coot or a powerful wizard⸻the former is sufficient to place you beneath notice of anyone not looking very specifically for you; and the latter to gain you access to Daemons, discourage commonfolk from crossing you, and render you immune to being ignored. Regardless of modality, you are also immune to disease and the ill effects of old age

A: Answered Questions
Every time you encounter something very strange and mysterious and unknown in your adventuring, write down a question related to it. These should be big, bad questions, with reaching implications and dangerous answers. Check with your DM if your wording is fucked when you write one down.

When you have the option to consult a major source of knowledge⸻a library of lost religious texts, a derelict mainframe, another Methuselah, &c⸻you may have any one of these questions of your choice answered by the DM, as you receive a flash of inspiration and puzzle pieces fall into place behind your eyes. You can only have one question answered this way per source of knowledge, no matter how big and contentful.

B: Well-Travelled
You've been everywhere, man, and you're starting to remember it. Worse, or better, it's starting to remember you. This does three things:

  1. When you encounter some bit of language you don't know⸻a warning sign, a shouted greeting, a computer interface⸻you have a [templates]-in-6 chance to know enough of that language to get by. You're not fluent, exactly, but you can struggle through with effort.
  2. When you arrive in a new location, you have a [templates]-in-6 chance to have been there before. If you were, your DM will tell you one notable hazard, one notable point of interest, and one local inhabitant you remember.
  3. When you meet someone for the first time, there is a [templates]-in-6 chance that they've heard of you. On a roll of 1, you've actually met them before.

C: Insight
By carefully observing someone for a minute, you may roll a [templates]-in-6 chance to learn their next immediate course of action; a [templates]-in-6 chance to learn why they are pursuing that particular course of action; and a [templates]-in-6 chance to learn what your best chance is to change their mind. You can't gain these insights about the same person twice in rapid succession.

D: Tribe of G_d
Your right to hold G_d and His servants accountable for your miseries is, somehow, Recognized. Your Humanity score improves to 0, unless you didn't have one, in which case you gain one with a value of -8. Devils will not harm you except by accident, archons will not do so unless directly, specifically ordered to by a present higher power, and greater angels must save to give such an order or harm you themselves. This protection doesn't apply if you start a fight.

Wizardly Tricks

It's all coming back to you, now... At each template, roll on the table below. If you roll one you already have, select one of the options above or below.
  1. Wizard Flask. It's always just shy of empty⸻enough for a slug whenever you really need one. Choose whether it's industrial solvent; motor oil; cold, clear water; or decent liquor each time it's opened.
  2. Wizard Pockets. You always seem to have a small pocketknife, a coin of negligible value, 13' of paracord, a stub of eyeliner pencil, and a crumpled cigarette in your pockets.
  3. Wizard Staff. Your walking stick, your constant companion, becomes unbreakable and no longer takes up an inventory slot. You have advantage on checks to avoid being deprived of it.
  4. Wizard Palms. While you gently rub an object in your hands, it is lit softly by a warm light from within as if it were translucent and contained a candleflame. 
  5. Wizard Fingers. You can identify fairly complex chemical composition, approximate age, and Heavenly curses by dragging a finger across whatever it is you're identifying and rubbing that finger against your thumb.
  6. Wizard Slap. You can give someone a second save against ongoing psychoactive effects or other mental distress by clapping them around the head and barking at them to snap out of it.
  7. Wizard Pinch. When presented with an unaware subject that possesses a comprehensible anatomy, you can place them in whatever state you desire with a nerve pinch/karate chop/stiff-knuckled jab to the pressure points.
  8. Wizard Legs. Your footfalls are silent. As long as you remain unobserved, you cross distances on foot as if you were sprinting... but surely that can't be right, as you arrive unrumpled and never strained.
  9. Wizard Squint. By staring intently into someone's eyes (or equivalent) at about arm's length or closer, you can determine their HD, how many people they've killed to within an order of magnitude (none, one to several, tens, hundreds, &c), and how many diseases they are suffering from.
  10. Wizard Pointing. By waving a magic wand or any similar implement, you can unfailingly direct the attention of anyone who was paying you any attention in the first place.
  11. Wizard Speech. You can slip coded messages into ordinary conversation or senile rambling, which will be immediately understood by those you intend.
  12. Wizard Wriggle. You can squeeze through any gap through which you can fit your head, contort yourself into the average suitcase, and effortlessly shimmy free from mundane bonds.

Ancient Artefacts

  1. Well-worn Traveler's Clothing. Sensible, solemn, and dull. 2 slots carried, no slots worn.
  2. Walking Stick. A medium (1d6/1d8) weapon. 1 slot.
  3. Sturdy Boots. Lightweight enough to run and climb in, though you're too old for much of that these days. Reasonably, but not preternaturally, water-and-acid-proof. 1 slot carried, no slots worn.
  4. Suitably Impressive Headwear. A large hat, a deep cowl, etc, your call. Capable of hiding your face when you pull it down, and good for keeping the rain off. 1 slot carried, no slots worn.
  5. Holy Book. Not very popular, these days. Margins filled with dense commentary, vicious arguments, and bold interpretations⸻yours and others. 1 slot.
  6. Familiar. The service of an animal of your choice small enough that you can lift it in one hand, like a cat or a bird. It's cleverer than normal, can read as well as you can, and will sometimes do what you tell it to.
  7. Unfamiliar. Personality construct of an accomplished soldier, deserter, thief, and murderer, in that order, several thousand years old and suffering from some decay. Can't talk on its own, need to find something to plug it into. No slots.
  8. Industrial Auto-Compressor. Produces a powerful (STR +2) burst of wind out to about 10' when the trigger is pulled. This one includes a nail-driver attachment with the contact safety disengaged, making it a ranged weapon with 10' range and no recoil. 1 slot, and comes with 10 six-inch turf stakes (1d6) which take up another 1 slot.
  9. Wizard Straw. Processes any liquid you could suck through a straw, infallibly removing toxins and biological contamination. 1/3 slot.
  10. Scrimshaw Chisel. Four inches long, fine point, harder than anything, absolutely unbreakable. You can use this to scratch whatever you want into whatever else you want, with effort. 1/3 slot.
  11. Fire Powder. Unlimited use as long as you're careful with it, comes in the color of your choice, turns flames that color. You could really freak the hell out of some regular folk with this. 1/3 slot.
  12. Scanning Multimeter. Measures voltage, resistance, and current, safely, from about 10' away⸻the wonders of the past. 1 slot.
  13. Wizard Herbs. Odorous. Produce a sort of paranoidly-amused confusion when smoked, which many people find enjoyable. 1 slot, which is essentially an unlimited supply as long as you're not setting all of it on fire at once for fun.
  14. Perfect Prism. Can magnify, demagnify, split or combine color wavelengths, et cetera, depending on how you hold it. 1 slot.
  15. Mechanic's Gloves. Mostly impervious, nearly indestructible. 1 slot carried, no slots worn.
  16. Universal Adhesive. Bonds anything to anything else, permanently. DO NOT DO NOT DON'T get it on your hands. 3 doses, 1 slot.
  17. German Pistol. Unclear what a 'German' is, but they appear to have been a backwards sort of creature. This extraordinarily bulky handgun fires 9x19mm (1d8 R1) from an internal 10-round magazine, and comes with a full load plus 10 more rounds on a stripper clip. 1 slot, plus 1/3 of a slot for the extra clip.
  18. Light Barrier. When switched on, produces a 10' radius sphere within which bright light becomes deep shadow and anything else becomes utter darkness. Works for about one hour on an eight hour cooldown. 1/3 slot.
  19. Multitool. Not one of the little ones that fits in a pocket⸻a combination splitting axe, fold-out saw, coarse file, crowbar, pipe wrench, and sledgehammer. A massive (2d6) weapon. 3 slots.
  20. A Heavenly Artefact. Roll 1d6:
    1. Dense fist-sized cube. Increases in weight when exposed to powerful Grief, Sorrow, et al. Currently 1 slot, with one of seven faces lit up with a sickly teal glow.
    2. Child's crayon drawing. Blue sky, yellow ground, brown tree with green leaves, orange tent, smiling figure. The sight of it drives Heavenly creatures into frantic, blind rage. No slots.
    3. Coward's egg. Renders up to one person invisible to Heavenly creatures as long as they remain curled tightly around it and otherwise unmoving. Enormous⸻6 slots.
    4. Divining barometer. Measures the local density of certain gases emitted by Heavenly beings, as well as the direction of higher concentrations if present somewhat nearby. 1 slot.
    5. COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS. An angel's flaming sword⸻a massive (2d6) weapon. Deals an extra 1d6 points of fire damage on hits, and per round to anyone wielding it unless they have some very good gloves, for every 20 people you've convinced to join your cause. A cause is required. 3 slots.
    6. Ornate golden scepter. Point it and utter the command, target takes 40 damage and must save or be destroyed. Has worked once, will work once more. 1 slot.